Rounding the Horn

As I return to the blog a month after my last entry I wounder at God's timing. My last entry was entitled Gelassenheit, and it was all about yieldedness. Since then I have read and prayed through two very difficult books: "Forgiveness-The legacy of the West Nickle Mines Tragedy" by John Ruth; and "Amish Grace" by Donald Kraybill. They were both about yieldedness, in particular they were both about the murder of five Amish children and the Amish who willed to forgive.

Now, what does this terrible tragedy and its aftermath have to do with me? Nothing really, except the yieldedness; being able to yield all the circumstances of my life to the Father who loves me in the midst of my struggles. Two and a half years ago an incident in Alert Bay, BC resulted in what I now know to be an opportunity to practice yieldedness. The governing body of the church that I was pastoring required some very difficult things of me: public and private apologies to those I had injured, counseling, and to not pastor in their churches for the next two years. The first and the last were comparatively easy. The counseling however was hard. It had to wait until I had rounded the horn.

I am sure that you know the stories of ships rounding the horn. It is a difficult passage in the ocean and many ships and their captains have been lost. However, those that made the journey successfully were able to sail up the Pacific to new lands. Such has been my journey. I am a battered ship, but still able to sail. I have grieved the process these many months, and have suffered the whole gambit of emotions. At first it was simply shock, then unbelief, then anger, then an intense sadness, and finally acceptance. Does it sound to you like the grieving process? It does feel like a death of sorts, the death of a dream, a way of life, a vision, hope. And, the truth of the matter is that it is not yet over. I slip periodically back through the whole process, but the times of pain as shorter, they fall further and further apart, and the intensity lessens with each occurance. It takes less to set me off on the journey, and it is easier to let go each time.

Recently, a missionary from Uganda told a story about "ringing the bell." Sometimes we simply have to let go of the rope. The bell may continue to toll for a time, but when we let go of the rope, the intensity of the ringing slows with each successive ring. Oh, I still have my moments of unbelief. The anger is still real, but it resides with every day. And the sorrow may never be fully eradicated from my life. But, about the time I started the blog, I rounded the horn; battered and wind worn I took a new tack, but the waters now are more gentle.

I have found acceptance in the yieldedness. Yieldedness first to God, then to the governing bodies of the church, that is where the willingness to accept counseling come in. Forgiveness has been offered and accepted; now there is the price for pardon and restoration. It is a lot like the repairing of a damaged ship, in this case a "relation" ship, for that is really what it is, you know, a damaged relationship that needs reparation. It is the restoration that comes with pardon that is both costly and healing. I am now sailing the next length of the journey, and I am still a little frightened. At the same time I am relieved. I think that the work is worth it.

The relationships that were damaged are fragile and will require a lot of care and tenderness. It is all about learning to trust once again. It is all about baby steps, a little at a time; but like the West Nickel Mines tragedy, there is hope. Life will go on, a little bit different than before, but it will go on.