Why Am I Here?

For many years now, I have wondered, "What is my role in the church?" I have pastored, I have taught, I have been missional, and still the question plagues me, "What is my role in the church? This church? It seems that in all my endeavors I have failed to meet the mark! I have failed at the One Way Adventure Foundation where I served children in need; I failed as a counselor at the Crisis Centre; I failed at Rediscovery working among First Nation's youth and elders; I failed at the College as a teacher; I failed as a pastor. Where have I gone wrong? "What is my role in the church?" Have I made it all about me? Has the cross lost its power? Why am I here?

Then six months ago, I began a new job. One that took me far out of my comfort zone, and had me working most Sundays, and too tired through the week to take part in any fellowship activities in the church. I began to feel alone, abandoned by the church, and by God himself. The separation became my own dark night of the soul, and the questions rose anew, "What is my role in the church? why am I here?

I began to search the word of God for an answer, and found only the unforgiving silence. I read and re-read the epistles, asking God all the way, "Father, what would you have me do?" Then out of the silence, God began to speak.

"You are where I put you."

"And, where is that?"

"I'll let you know."

When?

"When I let you know."

This spiritual place has no windows or doors, but there are plenty of chairs. I choose one, sit on it, and wait.

"After John Kennedy Jr.'s death, the Chicago Tribune ran an article about flying. In it amateur pilot, Steven Hedges, wrote about the difficulty of flying a plane by instruments alone. . During one instrument lesson, Hedges notes, I flew the headings and turns as instructed, but even with ten hours of instrument flying experience already in my logbook, I was amazed at how quickly the plane slid into a banking turn if I diverted my attention for just a few moments" (Kenneth Ulmer- January 14, 08, Promise Keepers Men of Integrity).

At this point in my reading I recalled a similar experience while flying with a friend who was teaching me to fly. I asked him to explain to me the meaning of virtigo. As part of his explaination Buzz asked me to close my eyes and to keep them tightly closed until he told me to open them. I closed my eyes and suddenly, the little Ceasna was in an out of control vertical dive. Unable to see, I experienced a moment of absolute terror. Were it not for my trust in Buzz's ability, the panic would have been unbearable. Now, my eyes were wide open; and Buzz repeated the manouver, dipping the nose of the little plane just two points below the horizon. "The panic that you felt is virtigo, and is the reason that many pilots simply crash and burn."

Many times in the Christian life we are forced to fly in the fog when its hard to get our bearings. We cannot see the horizon and get the perspective necessary to stay level. At such times it is doubly important to keep our trust fixed on the flight instructor's ability. I began an exegetical study in Paul's First Letter to the struggling church in Corinth, hoping there to find answers to my questions.

Now I understand the need for separation. Without it I would have no reason to trust. I find myself in that room without doors or windows, and I have to trust God's guiding and assuring word. "The calling and gifts of God are irrevocable." I suddenly find my own voice, and my reason for being. Do I yet fully understand? No, but I am trusting on the flight instructor's ability to take me where he wants me to go. I am in the place where he has sent me. You see, God is faithful, I am not alone.

"I thank God because in Christ you have been made rich in every way, in all your speaking and in all your knowledge. Just as our witness about Christ has been guaranteed to you, so you have every gift from God while you wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to come again. Jesus will keep you strong until the end so that there will be no wrong in you on the day our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord is faithful" (1 Cor. 1:5-9-NCV).